1 00:00:18,664 --> 00:00:20,291 - First team's walking. - Copy that. 2 00:00:20,374 --> 00:00:21,250 Tom, hey. 3 00:00:21,333 --> 00:00:22,334 - Hey. - How you doing? 4 00:00:22,418 --> 00:00:23,669 - Good. - Find the place okay? 5 00:00:23,753 --> 00:00:25,755 Yeah, I mean, it's kind of a maze, but yeah. 6 00:00:25,838 --> 00:00:27,214 Yeah, they don't make it easy. 7 00:00:27,298 --> 00:00:29,759 - Such a big fan of your work. - Oh, thanks, man. 8 00:00:29,842 --> 00:00:31,010 You still do stand-up? 9 00:00:31,093 --> 00:00:32,470 - Yeah. - Really? 10 00:00:32,553 --> 00:00:33,637 Tom! 11 00:00:34,263 --> 00:00:37,308 - Hey. Hi. - There he is. 12 00:00:37,391 --> 00:00:39,810 - Oh, come here. It's so good to see you. - Oh! All right. 13 00:00:39,894 --> 00:00:41,520 You feeling all right? Ready to go? 14 00:00:41,604 --> 00:00:43,564 - Yeah, I think so. Yeah. - Okay. 15 00:00:43,647 --> 00:00:46,025 I am so sorry about the last-minute schedule changes. 16 00:00:46,108 --> 00:00:48,194 I know it's a lot to start with the sex scene. 17 00:00:48,277 --> 00:00:50,613 They're always a little weird, but you've done it before, so... 18 00:00:50,696 --> 00:00:53,949 I haven't. This is, uh, this is my first one. 19 00:00:54,033 --> 00:00:54,950 - Really? - Yeah. 20 00:00:55,034 --> 00:00:56,786 - Tom. - This is Celeste. 21 00:00:56,869 --> 00:01:00,039 - Oh, wow. So nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too. 22 00:01:00,122 --> 00:01:02,666 - This is Tom's first ever sex scene. - Oh! 23 00:01:02,750 --> 00:01:04,210 - Barbara just landed. - Oh, fantastic. 24 00:01:04,293 --> 00:01:05,544 Well, you know, 25 00:01:05,628 --> 00:01:08,089 you don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with. 26 00:01:08,172 --> 00:01:09,423 Oh, I'm down for anything. 27 00:01:09,507 --> 00:01:11,675 I just wanna make sure that you're comfortable. 28 00:01:11,759 --> 00:01:12,927 Uh, excuse me. 29 00:01:13,010 --> 00:01:16,722 Everybody, if I could have your attention before we get started on rehearsal. 30 00:01:16,806 --> 00:01:19,934 I'd like to introduce our intimacy coordinator, Barbara. 31 00:01:24,688 --> 00:01:27,399 Who's ready to bring this picture to life? 32 00:01:29,985 --> 00:01:31,278 Tom, this is Barbara. 33 00:01:31,362 --> 00:01:34,573 She's here to make sure that everybody feels safe and comfortable. 34 00:01:34,657 --> 00:01:37,034 - Ready for first scene. - Rehearsal's up. 35 00:01:37,118 --> 00:01:38,702 Everyone, rehearsal's up. 36 00:01:38,786 --> 00:01:41,539 I just wanted to say, uh, I'm grateful you're here. 37 00:01:41,622 --> 00:01:44,750 I've never done a scene like this, so just, thank you. 38 00:01:46,335 --> 00:01:47,545 Where did you train? 39 00:01:48,129 --> 00:01:53,050 Uh, not like a professional, you know, school or anything like that, 40 00:01:53,134 --> 00:01:54,718 but I come from stand-up comedy and I-- 41 00:01:54,802 --> 00:01:57,680 Oh, oh. 42 00:01:57,763 --> 00:01:59,807 A lot of perverts in your industry. 43 00:02:00,641 --> 00:02:04,061 - Mm-hmm. - Uh, there's a few bad eggs, yeah. 44 00:02:04,145 --> 00:02:07,148 I don't know you at all. 45 00:02:07,231 --> 00:02:11,610 I don't trust you, and I go by my gut. 46 00:02:11,694 --> 00:02:14,613 I feel like you're coming at me like I've done something wrong. 47 00:02:14,697 --> 00:02:19,910 Yeah. Well, there's absolutely no funny business on my set. 48 00:02:19,994 --> 00:02:23,080 I got my eyes on you, okay? 49 00:02:23,164 --> 00:02:24,165 Okay. 50 00:02:30,379 --> 00:02:33,340 Guys! 51 00:02:33,424 --> 00:02:35,217 ...me up? Okay. 52 00:02:35,301 --> 00:02:36,886 - Here we go. - Settle in. 53 00:02:36,969 --> 00:02:39,638 - Rehearsal's up. - Everybody, let's clear. 54 00:02:41,932 --> 00:02:44,059 Ready, and action. 55 00:02:44,143 --> 00:02:46,937 Goddamn it. 56 00:02:47,688 --> 00:02:48,939 I am such a fool. 57 00:02:49,607 --> 00:02:52,484 Why did we even come to the Amalfi Coast? 58 00:02:52,985 --> 00:02:55,446 There was never any treasure here. 59 00:02:56,864 --> 00:03:00,326 Vera, the only treasure I need is right in front of me. 60 00:03:03,454 --> 00:03:04,288 And it says we kiss? 61 00:03:04,371 --> 00:03:06,832 Stop! 62 00:03:06,916 --> 00:03:08,876 Stop! 63 00:03:10,169 --> 00:03:12,213 - Michael? - No, I'm sorry, I-I-- 64 00:03:12,296 --> 00:03:14,173 This is a symphony. 65 00:03:14,256 --> 00:03:20,763 It is harmonies, rhythms, fortes, pianissimos, 66 00:03:20,846 --> 00:03:24,516 and I am the conductor. 67 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:28,520 I-I asked-- I asked if I should kiss. I didn't do anything. 68 00:03:28,604 --> 00:03:30,231 You know what? Why don't we... 69 00:03:30,314 --> 00:03:32,650 - Let's move to the next part of the scene. - Uh-huh. 70 00:03:32,733 --> 00:03:34,235 The bed. Go to the bed scene? 71 00:03:34,318 --> 00:03:35,736 - Bed scene's up. - Yeah. 72 00:03:35,819 --> 00:03:40,491 Look, do you think we can get a different intimacy coordinator? 73 00:03:40,574 --> 00:03:41,992 A different...? 74 00:03:42,076 --> 00:03:44,787 Tom, she's the best in the world. 75 00:03:44,870 --> 00:03:47,039 No one makes actors feel more comfortable. 76 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,710 All right, now, it's really romantic. 77 00:03:51,794 --> 00:03:53,837 It's sweet, it's sensual. 78 00:03:53,921 --> 00:03:55,214 So you're making out. 79 00:03:56,048 --> 00:03:57,841 - Now? - Action. 80 00:04:05,683 --> 00:04:07,768 - I'll take care of it. - Thank you. 81 00:04:10,437 --> 00:04:12,439 - Ow! - What the fuck? 82 00:04:12,523 --> 00:04:13,691 Kiss her. Kiss her. 83 00:04:13,774 --> 00:04:17,319 Are you sure? I just got, uh, some mixed signals from you today. 84 00:04:17,903 --> 00:04:19,655 Kiss her. Kiss her. 85 00:04:21,865 --> 00:04:24,201 - Just... mouth on mouth. - Unexpected. Okay, okay. 86 00:04:24,285 --> 00:04:25,244 Yeah. 87 00:04:27,079 --> 00:04:28,872 - Uh, Mike? - Yeah. 88 00:04:28,956 --> 00:04:32,376 It-- it says in the script that I... I grab her bosom? 89 00:04:32,459 --> 00:04:33,377 Yeah. 90 00:04:37,131 --> 00:04:38,465 I don't wanna do that. 91 00:04:39,091 --> 00:04:40,634 Tom... Tom, it's okay. 92 00:04:40,718 --> 00:04:42,803 - Hit those titties. - Just grab 'em. 93 00:04:42,886 --> 00:04:44,388 Just grab 'em. It's okay. 94 00:04:44,471 --> 00:04:45,889 Come on, Tom. Get in there. 95 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,434 - Jesus, Tom, go. - You're so close. 96 00:04:48,517 --> 00:04:49,560 That's my shoulder. 97 00:04:49,643 --> 00:04:51,186 - Yeah. - Tommy, what's up? 98 00:04:51,270 --> 00:04:54,565 I mean, you know, tits, who's into those now? 99 00:04:54,648 --> 00:04:56,275 - You need me to step in? - Please. 100 00:04:56,358 --> 00:04:58,110 I'll play with her tits. Suck on her tits. 101 00:04:58,193 --> 00:04:59,737 Then I'll smack 'em around. 102 00:04:59,820 --> 00:05:01,155 Move over. Get over. 103 00:05:01,238 --> 00:05:03,407 - You want me to roll this way? - No, this is it. 104 00:05:03,490 --> 00:05:06,452 - Okay. - I'll just get in there. Tom, straddle me. 105 00:05:06,535 --> 00:05:08,787 - I straddle you from here? - Mm-hmm. 106 00:05:10,873 --> 00:05:14,418 Do you think you can not get aroused? Be a professional? Be a man? 107 00:05:14,501 --> 00:05:17,171 This is how we did Brokeback, Heated Rivalry. 108 00:05:17,254 --> 00:05:19,798 If you'd ever had any kind of formal training, 109 00:05:19,882 --> 00:05:21,008 you'd know about this. 110 00:05:21,091 --> 00:05:23,677 - And now, I reach my hands up. - Yeah. 111 00:05:23,761 --> 00:05:25,846 - Bring your mouth to my mouth. - Yeah. 112 00:05:25,929 --> 00:05:28,223 - But she's in between us? Okay. - Mm-hmm. 113 00:05:28,307 --> 00:05:31,185 - Oh, this is perfect. - Barbara, that's brilliant. Yes. 114 00:05:31,268 --> 00:05:34,396 What do you think if Vera were to be on top? 115 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,148 - Yes! - That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 116 00:05:36,231 --> 00:05:37,775 Okay. 117 00:05:37,858 --> 00:05:40,861 Okay, Tom, lay it down. Lay it down right here. 118 00:05:40,944 --> 00:05:44,406 - So then if I'm... here. Okay? - Mm-hmm. 119 00:05:44,490 --> 00:05:45,991 - I can't talk like this. - That's great. 120 00:05:46,075 --> 00:05:47,910 You're just gonna sit on my face? 121 00:05:47,993 --> 00:05:49,787 Okay, I have his hands. Don't worry. 122 00:05:49,870 --> 00:05:51,080 Tom, no funny business. 123 00:05:51,163 --> 00:05:55,667 Now once Vera is up here and mounted, and then I throw my hair back... 124 00:05:55,751 --> 00:05:56,752 Celeste, just like that. 125 00:05:59,838 --> 00:06:02,257 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's like you're carrying the scene. 126 00:06:02,341 --> 00:06:04,343 Everything goes to you. 127 00:06:04,426 --> 00:06:06,053 Oh! 128 00:06:08,972 --> 00:06:11,350 - Oh my God. - I couldn't breathe under there. 129 00:06:11,433 --> 00:06:14,353 - Ow! Ow! Ow! - Oh my-- 130 00:06:15,562 --> 00:06:17,606 That was a little rough, Tom. 131 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,277 I just think I could make it a little more... 132 00:06:22,361 --> 00:06:23,821 ...it played like I-- I have to... 133 00:06:23,904 --> 00:06:27,116 We have to start shooting. We've been rehearsing all day. It's crazy. 134 00:06:27,199 --> 00:06:29,034 Could you do, like, an earwig? 135 00:06:29,118 --> 00:06:30,661 Earwig? Yeah. 136 00:06:30,744 --> 00:06:32,079 - Yes. Yeah. - Yes. 137 00:06:32,162 --> 00:06:34,289 - That's fine. - Okay, everybody, picture's up. 138 00:06:34,373 --> 00:06:35,791 We're gonna shoot. 139 00:06:35,874 --> 00:06:39,378 Tom, um, we're just gonna jump right to the sex scene, okay? 140 00:06:39,962 --> 00:06:41,922 - We haven't rehearsed that yet. - I know. 141 00:06:42,005 --> 00:06:43,841 Um, we're gonna give you an earpiece, 142 00:06:43,924 --> 00:06:47,428 and then Barbara is just, she's gonna walk you through the whole thing. 143 00:06:47,511 --> 00:06:50,305 Trust me. She does this in all the big movies. Think of it as a... 144 00:06:51,765 --> 00:06:53,517 Think of it as a rite of passage. 145 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:55,644 Okay. 146 00:06:56,979 --> 00:06:59,022 We're rolling. Quiet! 147 00:06:59,106 --> 00:07:01,650 We'll do that tomorrow, okay? All right, um... 148 00:07:01,733 --> 00:07:04,194 The earpiece is weird. 149 00:07:04,278 --> 00:07:05,279 Yeah. 150 00:07:07,406 --> 00:07:08,824 All right, here we go. 151 00:07:12,536 --> 00:07:13,454 Are you good? 152 00:07:13,537 --> 00:07:17,124 Yeah. You're really sweaty. He's, like, so sweaty. 153 00:07:17,207 --> 00:07:18,750 Can we get a thing there? Yeah. 154 00:07:18,834 --> 00:07:20,043 - All right, Tom? - Sorry. 155 00:07:20,127 --> 00:07:23,255 - It's okay. - You're in love, and you say...? 156 00:07:24,047 --> 00:07:24,882 Um... 157 00:07:25,466 --> 00:07:27,968 "Promise me this is real." Okay, you got this. 158 00:07:28,051 --> 00:07:30,137 "Promise"-- Yeah. "Promise... this is real." 159 00:07:30,220 --> 00:07:32,222 Fucking kill me. No more comedians. 160 00:07:32,306 --> 00:07:33,932 Okay, this is for you, Cosby. 161 00:07:34,016 --> 00:07:35,017 Listen up. 162 00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:37,936 Don't even think about getting hard. Do not get hard. 163 00:07:38,020 --> 00:07:40,522 You fucking pervert. I've seen the way you look at her. 164 00:07:40,606 --> 00:07:43,192 - You understand me, pedo? - Let's roll camera. 165 00:07:43,275 --> 00:07:44,776 Rolling! 166 00:07:44,860 --> 00:07:46,987 Amalfi Coast, scene 24, take one. 167 00:07:47,070 --> 00:07:49,114 Oh, you just want to dig it in. 168 00:07:49,198 --> 00:07:50,949 She is not one of your whores. 169 00:07:51,533 --> 00:07:54,745 She's not a victim like that. And I'm not a victim. 170 00:07:54,828 --> 00:07:57,748 We are not your victims, Tom. 171 00:07:57,831 --> 00:08:00,459 - What are you talking about? - Tom, keep it together. Come on. 172 00:08:00,542 --> 00:08:02,753 - Stop saying that shit. - I know your type. 173 00:08:02,836 --> 00:08:05,088 "I'm a sensitive guy. I had a single mother." 174 00:08:05,172 --> 00:08:08,008 - "I know what women's lives are like." - Are you okay? 175 00:08:08,091 --> 00:08:09,593 - Yeah. - Oh, remember Mommy? 176 00:08:09,676 --> 00:08:12,930 No, you don't. Because she wasn't ever home. 177 00:08:13,597 --> 00:08:18,060 Mommy didn't come home because Mommy didn't love you. 178 00:08:18,685 --> 00:08:20,187 Whoops! 179 00:08:20,270 --> 00:08:21,480 You disgust me. 180 00:08:21,563 --> 00:08:24,983 You make me ill. 181 00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:27,819 Clown, comedy. 182 00:08:27,903 --> 00:08:29,696 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 183 00:08:29,780 --> 00:08:33,408 It's all a mask for the monster within. 184 00:08:34,493 --> 00:08:35,577 Action! 185 00:08:36,537 --> 00:08:39,289 Tonight's five nominees transported us 186 00:08:39,373 --> 00:08:43,210 with their spellbinding and often surprising performances. 187 00:08:43,293 --> 00:08:48,632 And the award for Best Actor in a Major Motion Picture goes to... 188 00:08:49,883 --> 00:08:51,301 Tom Segura. 189 00:08:51,927 --> 00:08:53,887 Promise me this is real. 190 00:08:54,471 --> 00:08:56,139 I know it is. 191 00:08:57,140 --> 00:08:58,183 I'm scared. 192 00:08:58,267 --> 00:09:01,103 I'm scared. 193 00:09:01,186 --> 00:09:02,729 I'm so scared. 194 00:09:03,230 --> 00:09:04,815 I'm so scared. 195 00:09:10,112 --> 00:09:11,822 Unfortunately, 196 00:09:11,905 --> 00:09:15,784 Tom tragically took his life the day the film completed production. 197 00:09:17,286 --> 00:09:22,499 But I'm certain he would want this award to go to his intimacy coordinator, Bar-- 198 00:09:50,861 --> 00:09:51,820 There you go. 199 00:09:52,696 --> 00:09:55,115 What the fuck? 200 00:09:56,033 --> 00:09:56,867 What? 201 00:09:57,451 --> 00:09:58,744 Fuck! 202 00:09:58,827 --> 00:10:00,912 Fuck, man! Why'd you shoot him? 203 00:10:01,622 --> 00:10:03,624 - You gave me the signal. - No, I didn't. 204 00:10:03,707 --> 00:10:06,543 - You did your head like this. - That's not the signal. 205 00:10:06,627 --> 00:10:08,211 I thought that was the signal. 206 00:10:08,295 --> 00:10:09,755 That was a nod, you know? 207 00:10:09,838 --> 00:10:12,341 Like, "Hey, hey, what's up, dawg?" 208 00:10:12,424 --> 00:10:13,467 You know? "Hello." 209 00:10:13,550 --> 00:10:16,094 I thought that was, you know, like the signal. 210 00:10:16,178 --> 00:10:19,431 Man, no! I would've gave you a clear fucking signal. 211 00:10:19,514 --> 00:10:20,390 Like what? 212 00:10:20,474 --> 00:10:22,851 Like the signal, man. The fucking... 213 00:10:23,352 --> 00:10:25,312 That's really close to the last one. 214 00:10:25,395 --> 00:10:26,563 Fuck no, it isn't. 215 00:10:26,647 --> 00:10:28,440 They're both head... things. 216 00:10:28,523 --> 00:10:32,986 No, that's-- that's fucking "hello" without saying hello. 217 00:10:33,070 --> 00:10:33,904 This... 218 00:10:34,905 --> 00:10:36,114 This... 219 00:10:37,824 --> 00:10:39,368 Hey, look at me, look at me. 220 00:10:40,744 --> 00:10:41,870 That's the signal. 221 00:10:41,953 --> 00:10:42,996 They're very close. 222 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,332 What are you talking about? They're different! 223 00:10:45,415 --> 00:10:46,875 Fuck, man, you killed my cousin. 224 00:10:47,542 --> 00:10:49,670 That's a 22-year-old Mexican kid, man. 225 00:10:49,753 --> 00:10:51,588 Does that look like the Russian Butcher to you? 226 00:10:51,672 --> 00:10:55,676 - What's the Butcher look like? - He looks like a Russian butcher. 227 00:10:55,759 --> 00:10:57,636 I'll tell you what he doesn't look like. 228 00:10:57,719 --> 00:10:59,471 He doesn't look like my little cousin Juanito, 229 00:10:59,554 --> 00:11:01,390 aka Flaco, aka Moco, 230 00:11:01,473 --> 00:11:02,933 aka Chino from Irvine. 231 00:11:03,016 --> 00:11:04,893 - He's got all those nicknames? - Yeah, man. 232 00:11:04,976 --> 00:11:07,312 And lately, we started calling him Little Buff Guy. 233 00:11:07,396 --> 00:11:09,898 He started working out and shit. He's all into it. 234 00:11:09,981 --> 00:11:13,485 - I can see. - Fuck, Tony. You fucked up, man. 235 00:11:13,568 --> 00:11:15,112 Fuck, man. Fuck! 236 00:11:15,612 --> 00:11:18,365 - Why don't we work on signals? - What? 237 00:11:18,448 --> 00:11:20,158 Yeah, so this doesn't happen again. 238 00:11:20,242 --> 00:11:22,411 Tony, what the fuck are you talking about, man? 239 00:11:22,494 --> 00:11:25,247 All right, we need a clear signal. 240 00:11:31,169 --> 00:11:35,799 - What's that? You're clearing your throat. - But if we know that it means something... 241 00:11:35,882 --> 00:11:38,051 Well, what if you have to clear your throat in real life? 242 00:11:38,135 --> 00:11:39,302 All right, how about, uh... 243 00:11:40,095 --> 00:11:41,096 Uh... 244 00:11:43,265 --> 00:11:44,349 That's a good signal. 245 00:11:44,433 --> 00:11:45,767 Point my finger? 246 00:11:45,851 --> 00:11:47,144 It's clear. 247 00:11:47,227 --> 00:11:48,353 "Shoot him." 248 00:11:50,439 --> 00:11:51,690 You got another one? 249 00:11:51,773 --> 00:11:53,859 Yeah, how about I just go like this? Hey... 250 00:11:57,446 --> 00:12:00,741 - That works. - Yeah? That's not a fucking signal! 251 00:12:00,824 --> 00:12:02,492 Tony, that's a full gesture! 252 00:12:02,576 --> 00:12:05,287 This ain't The Price is Right. I ain't Vanna White. 253 00:12:05,370 --> 00:12:06,413 Wheel of Fortune. 254 00:12:06,997 --> 00:12:09,040 - What? - Vanna White's Wheel of Fortune. 255 00:12:10,083 --> 00:12:11,710 I'm just saying. 256 00:12:11,793 --> 00:12:12,753 Look, I'm sorry. 257 00:12:13,795 --> 00:12:16,673 Your cousin, I'm sorry I killed him. 258 00:12:16,757 --> 00:12:18,592 I feel really embarrassed right now. 259 00:12:18,675 --> 00:12:21,094 Fuck. You fucked up, man. 260 00:12:21,178 --> 00:12:22,304 You fucked up bad. 261 00:12:22,387 --> 00:12:24,181 This is my fucking family. 262 00:12:24,264 --> 00:12:26,683 Fuck, man. Should be fun to tell his mom, huh? 263 00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:29,352 "Hey, Tía, I picked up Flaco from the airport." 264 00:12:29,436 --> 00:12:30,479 "We came downtown, 265 00:12:30,562 --> 00:12:33,982 and then my colleague shot him in the head when I just said, 'What's up?'" 266 00:12:35,233 --> 00:12:39,488 You didn't say, "What's up." All right? You gave me a signal. 267 00:12:43,116 --> 00:12:44,993 And I want you to know something. 268 00:12:45,076 --> 00:12:47,454 You're making me feel real bad about it. 269 00:12:50,582 --> 00:12:52,751 Fuck! Well, this should be fun. 270 00:12:52,834 --> 00:12:55,045 She's calling. Fuck am I gonna tell her? 271 00:12:55,128 --> 00:12:57,464 Thank you, asshole. 272 00:12:58,590 --> 00:13:01,718 - Tell her I'm sorry. - Hey, hey, Tía. 273 00:13:01,802 --> 00:13:03,470 Uh, no, no, Moco's having a blast. 274 00:13:03,553 --> 00:13:05,722 I mean, uh, uh, he's having fun. 275 00:13:05,806 --> 00:13:09,643 No, no, he's just not answering 'cause, uh, he's getting a massage. 276 00:13:10,227 --> 00:13:12,813 I'm waiting here in the lobby. 277 00:13:12,896 --> 00:13:14,606 They got a really nice lobby. 278 00:13:14,689 --> 00:13:18,401 He's in a deep, like, trance. He might not even call you until tomorrow. 279 00:13:20,028 --> 00:13:21,738 He's having so much fun. 280 00:13:22,239 --> 00:13:25,534 No, he can't talk right now because there's an Asian lady on top of him. 281 00:13:25,617 --> 00:13:27,953 - It smells like eucalyptus. - Privet. 282 00:13:28,703 --> 00:13:29,830 You know, eucalyptus? 283 00:13:29,913 --> 00:13:34,251 It seems as though people in this city believe you are looking for me. 284 00:13:34,334 --> 00:13:36,503 - Yeah, I'm not sure... - Who are you? 285 00:13:37,087 --> 00:13:39,256 I prefer to ask the questions myself. 286 00:13:39,339 --> 00:13:41,091 - ...scrub him, and... - Okay. 287 00:13:41,174 --> 00:13:42,843 You know, bathe him, and... 288 00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:51,476 Shoot him! 289 00:14:06,783 --> 00:14:08,243 You know him? 290 00:14:08,326 --> 00:14:10,287 That's my cousin. 291 00:14:10,370 --> 00:14:12,330 This dumb motherfucker thought it was you. 292 00:14:14,833 --> 00:14:15,959 He's Meksikanskiy. 293 00:14:16,042 --> 00:14:17,961 - Yeah? - You ready? 294 00:14:18,044 --> 00:14:19,504 Wait, let me give you the nod first. 295 00:14:20,171 --> 00:14:23,049 Yeah, that's what's up. See? Yeah. Yeah, you get it. 296 00:14:24,718 --> 00:14:25,886 Okay, ready? 297 00:14:26,970 --> 00:14:28,722 It's a clear difference between the nod-- 298 00:14:39,566 --> 00:14:42,027 She's here! 299 00:14:42,110 --> 00:14:43,570 Phil, she's here! 300 00:14:43,653 --> 00:14:45,322 All right, all right! 301 00:14:48,241 --> 00:14:49,576 There she is. 302 00:14:49,659 --> 00:14:52,787 - Oh gosh, sweetie, welcome home. - Hi. 303 00:14:52,871 --> 00:14:54,122 Hi, Mom. 304 00:14:54,205 --> 00:14:55,832 Hi, honey. 305 00:14:55,916 --> 00:14:58,460 - Hi, Dad. - Darling, how are you? 306 00:14:58,543 --> 00:15:00,921 God, my hair. 307 00:15:01,004 --> 00:15:03,506 Almost drowned out there. It's fucking raining. 308 00:15:03,590 --> 00:15:04,841 Oh, you look great. 309 00:15:04,925 --> 00:15:08,011 Mom, I see you decided to cut your hair. 310 00:15:08,094 --> 00:15:09,679 Oh, do you like it? 311 00:15:09,763 --> 00:15:13,308 Uh, yeah. Totally works for you, I guess. 312 00:15:13,391 --> 00:15:16,895 - Thank you. - We missed you so much. 313 00:15:16,978 --> 00:15:19,189 God, I was gone like eight months. 314 00:15:19,272 --> 00:15:21,733 I swear, you guys are, like, so attached. 315 00:15:21,816 --> 00:15:23,610 It's crazy. 316 00:15:23,693 --> 00:15:27,113 Uh, honey, what's that? 317 00:15:28,490 --> 00:15:31,785 It's a tattoo of a heart, and it has the word "home" in it. 318 00:15:31,868 --> 00:15:35,038 I'm sorry, but you know how we feel about tattoos. 319 00:15:35,121 --> 00:15:36,623 You've only got one body. 320 00:15:36,706 --> 00:15:39,584 Oh, wow. So now you have a say in my body? 321 00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:43,004 Why don't you tell me what brand of tampon I'm allowed to use, Dad? 322 00:15:43,088 --> 00:15:44,172 So gross. 323 00:15:44,255 --> 00:15:45,924 Patriarchy much? 324 00:15:46,007 --> 00:15:50,512 I just got it to remind myself where I come from or whatever. 325 00:15:51,096 --> 00:15:52,472 I love you guys. 326 00:15:52,555 --> 00:15:56,476 - Aw, sweetie, that's so nice. - Yeah. 327 00:15:56,559 --> 00:15:58,728 Yeah, no shit. I'm super thoughtful. 328 00:15:58,812 --> 00:16:02,232 So, how was the study abroad program? 329 00:16:02,315 --> 00:16:03,984 - Do you speak French now? - Oh, right! 330 00:16:04,067 --> 00:16:06,361 Uh, oui. 331 00:16:06,444 --> 00:16:08,530 It was amazing. So fucking cool. 332 00:16:08,613 --> 00:16:11,241 I'm gonna think about what I wanna do with my major, you know? 333 00:16:11,324 --> 00:16:12,534 Probably gonna switch it up. 334 00:16:12,617 --> 00:16:15,745 Maybe, like, art or, like, math or, like, the trumpet. 335 00:16:15,829 --> 00:16:19,040 I don't know. I'm just evolving so fast right now, it's crazy. 336 00:16:19,124 --> 00:16:23,503 - We are so proud of you. - I know. Anyway, I got you guys something. 337 00:16:24,170 --> 00:16:25,005 It's, like, whatever, 338 00:16:25,088 --> 00:16:28,425 but I figured I'd get you something 'cause you paid for my fucking trip. 339 00:16:28,508 --> 00:16:30,593 Fuck. Where the fuck are these fucking things? 340 00:16:30,677 --> 00:16:31,845 Oh. 341 00:16:34,180 --> 00:16:35,432 Caitlyn? 342 00:16:36,016 --> 00:16:37,475 Oh my God, what now? 343 00:16:37,559 --> 00:16:39,185 What is that? 344 00:16:39,269 --> 00:16:42,981 You're so uncultured. It's the Eiffel Tower from Paris. 345 00:16:43,064 --> 00:16:43,898 Ugh. 346 00:16:44,482 --> 00:16:46,651 No, on your back. 347 00:16:46,735 --> 00:16:50,613 On your lower back. Is that... Hitler? 348 00:16:50,697 --> 00:16:54,034 Uh, yeah, obviously. What's the fucking problem? 349 00:16:54,784 --> 00:16:55,827 It's Hitler. 350 00:16:55,910 --> 00:16:57,746 Oh my God. 351 00:16:57,829 --> 00:16:59,914 What do you specifically see? 352 00:17:01,374 --> 00:17:03,960 I cannot believe how fucking stupid these two are. 353 00:17:04,044 --> 00:17:05,086 Oh my God. 354 00:17:05,170 --> 00:17:06,588 He's smiling. 355 00:17:07,589 --> 00:17:11,092 Exactly, thank you. Somebody has fucking eyes now, I guess. 356 00:17:11,176 --> 00:17:12,844 "Exactly" what? 357 00:17:14,012 --> 00:17:15,138 He's happy here. 358 00:17:15,221 --> 00:17:16,514 On your back? 359 00:17:16,598 --> 00:17:19,434 It's just showing him in good spirits. 360 00:17:19,517 --> 00:17:23,146 Sweetie... ...if Hitler's in good spirits, 361 00:17:23,229 --> 00:17:27,442 it probably means he just did something horrifically awful. 362 00:17:31,529 --> 00:17:33,114 Describe his smile. 363 00:17:34,657 --> 00:17:35,909 It's gross. 364 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,621 No, be objective. 365 00:17:40,789 --> 00:17:41,956 Is it bad? 366 00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:45,835 Is it a bad smile, Dad? 367 00:17:46,961 --> 00:17:48,129 It's good? 368 00:17:49,172 --> 00:17:50,256 It's a great smile. 369 00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:51,382 Oh my God. 370 00:17:51,466 --> 00:17:52,467 Admit it. 371 00:17:53,176 --> 00:17:54,511 Okay. All right, fine. 372 00:17:54,594 --> 00:17:56,805 Hitler has a great smile. Is that what you want me to say? 373 00:17:56,888 --> 00:18:00,016 - That Hitler has a great smile? - He's mogging. 374 00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:02,102 - But, honey-- - He's like a low-tier Chad, Dad. 375 00:18:02,185 --> 00:18:05,563 You understand that he is an awful person, right? 376 00:18:05,647 --> 00:18:10,068 - That's like the whole fucking point, Dad. - Okay, good. Great. 377 00:18:10,777 --> 00:18:11,736 Wait, what? 378 00:18:11,820 --> 00:18:14,364 Oh my God. You guys are so fucking cringe. 379 00:18:14,447 --> 00:18:16,407 - You watch your mouth. - I'm not cringe. 380 00:18:16,491 --> 00:18:18,701 All I'm saying is that I got this tattoo 381 00:18:18,785 --> 00:18:22,956 to remind me to be careful in the real world, okay? 382 00:18:23,039 --> 00:18:26,167 Like, I look at it every single day, 383 00:18:26,251 --> 00:18:30,672 and I remember that just because somebody has a nice smile, 384 00:18:31,297 --> 00:18:33,883 it doesn't mean that they're a nice person. 385 00:18:33,967 --> 00:18:35,677 Like, the Führer was, like... 386 00:18:36,928 --> 00:18:38,304 he was kind of a dick. 387 00:18:41,224 --> 00:18:43,518 Oh no, the power went out. 388 00:18:43,601 --> 00:18:46,104 I guess I'll fix it. I mean, obviously. 389 00:18:46,187 --> 00:18:49,941 God, I have to do everything around here. These two are so fucking helpless. 390 00:18:50,024 --> 00:18:53,236 They'd just live in the dark if I wasn't here. Jesus Christ. 391 00:18:54,487 --> 00:18:55,655 What? 392 00:18:56,447 --> 00:18:58,783 It's glow-in-the-dark ink. 393 00:18:58,867 --> 00:19:00,326 It's super cutting-edge. 394 00:19:00,410 --> 00:19:03,288 Barely anybody has it, except for Rachel Sennott or whatever. 395 00:19:03,371 --> 00:19:05,081 Why the Twin Towers? 396 00:19:05,165 --> 00:19:07,750 Uh, really, Mom? 9/11? 397 00:19:07,834 --> 00:19:10,086 Ever heard of it? This one's super easy. 398 00:19:10,670 --> 00:19:16,050 Never forget what Hitler did, even though he had an amazing smile. 399 00:19:17,635 --> 00:19:19,220 Don't judge a book by its cover. 400 00:19:19,304 --> 00:19:20,513 Did Hitler just wink? 401 00:19:20,597 --> 00:19:22,348 It's animated ink. 402 00:19:22,432 --> 00:19:25,727 Jesus, open your ears. I mean, this one moves too. 403 00:19:25,810 --> 00:19:26,811 Oh my God. 404 00:19:26,895 --> 00:19:30,148 Sweetie, please tell me that's not R. Kelly. 405 00:19:30,231 --> 00:19:31,107 Okay, I won't. 406 00:19:31,191 --> 00:19:35,612 - Why would you have--? - R. Kelly is another reminder. 407 00:19:35,695 --> 00:19:36,863 Of what? 408 00:19:37,447 --> 00:19:38,948 To drink water. 409 00:19:40,950 --> 00:19:42,702 So that I pee. 410 00:19:42,785 --> 00:19:43,995 Oh my God. 411 00:19:44,078 --> 00:19:47,332 Why do you need a tattoo of R. Kelly to remind you to pee? 412 00:19:47,415 --> 00:19:49,459 'Cause he's like the pee guy or whatever. 413 00:19:49,542 --> 00:19:51,502 Why is he licking his lips? 414 00:19:51,586 --> 00:19:53,838 Because his mouth is dry. 415 00:19:55,924 --> 00:19:59,010 No wonder I'm gonna be the first one to graduate college in this family. 416 00:19:59,093 --> 00:20:01,804 You know what? This has gone far enough. That's it. 417 00:20:01,888 --> 00:20:03,681 - You're getting them removed. - Mm-hmm. 418 00:20:03,765 --> 00:20:04,891 Wow. 419 00:20:05,391 --> 00:20:06,517 Wow. 420 00:20:06,601 --> 00:20:08,645 I knew you'd be close-minded. 421 00:20:08,728 --> 00:20:10,438 Andre said you'd freak out. 422 00:20:10,521 --> 00:20:12,482 Who is Andre? 423 00:20:12,565 --> 00:20:14,025 My tattoo artist. 424 00:20:15,151 --> 00:20:16,402 And my boyfriend. 425 00:20:16,486 --> 00:20:17,987 Boyfriend? 426 00:20:18,821 --> 00:20:21,824 But you came out as a lesbian at Thanksgiving. 427 00:20:21,908 --> 00:20:23,201 Okay, I came out as bi. 428 00:20:23,284 --> 00:20:26,246 And that was mostly for attention. I thought that was obvious. 429 00:20:26,329 --> 00:20:29,123 Andre is an art major. 430 00:20:29,207 --> 00:20:32,085 He's a junior, and he invented the ink. 431 00:20:32,794 --> 00:20:35,255 He also just made Forbes' 30 Over 40 List. 432 00:20:35,338 --> 00:20:36,756 He's over 40? 433 00:20:36,839 --> 00:20:39,259 Dad, you are missing the point. 434 00:20:39,342 --> 00:20:40,927 What point? 435 00:20:41,010 --> 00:20:43,471 I'm marrying into money. 436 00:20:44,097 --> 00:20:45,265 - Oh. - Hm. 437 00:20:45,348 --> 00:20:47,892 College is terrifying. 438 00:20:48,434 --> 00:20:50,186 Everybody has a path. 439 00:20:50,270 --> 00:20:52,105 And I don't yet. 440 00:20:52,689 --> 00:20:56,192 Dad, you always said to have a backup plan. 441 00:20:56,276 --> 00:20:59,988 Well, Andre is my backup plan. 442 00:21:00,071 --> 00:21:04,367 And if I get these lasered off, he's gonna think I don't support his art. 443 00:21:04,951 --> 00:21:06,160 And then what? 444 00:21:06,244 --> 00:21:12,083 I'm just stuck with this dumb degree that literally nobody asked for? 445 00:21:12,166 --> 00:21:13,543 Is that what you want? 446 00:21:13,626 --> 00:21:15,712 - Oh, honey, no, no. - No, sweetheart. 447 00:21:15,795 --> 00:21:17,505 - No. - Sweetheart. 448 00:21:17,588 --> 00:21:19,257 We trust you. 449 00:21:19,340 --> 00:21:20,717 - We love you. - Yeah. 450 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,052 Yeah. I love me too. 451 00:21:23,636 --> 00:21:26,139 By the way, I also do porn now.