WEBVTT 00:15.786 --> 00:17.580 I also sleep with a weighted blanket 00:17.663 --> 00:19.623 'cause I like to feel somebody on top of me, 00:19.707 --> 00:22.668 but I don't have to have hair in my mouth, 00:22.752 --> 00:24.628 so I sleep with a weighted blanket, 00:24.712 --> 00:26.797 which also helps with wet dreams. 00:26.881 --> 00:30.217 And by help, I mean it causes them, so... 00:30.301 --> 00:32.762 Weighted blankets, yeah, good for wet dreams, 00:32.845 --> 00:35.056 shitty for house fires, I'll tell you that. 00:38.601 --> 00:40.561 You know, Christina said I have great balls. 00:41.854 --> 00:45.900 Which really just feels like she's saying, "Your dick's not worth talking about." 00:46.859 --> 00:48.861 We're not supposed to be married. 00:50.738 --> 00:51.781 Right? 00:51.864 --> 00:52.865 They're here. 00:53.699 --> 00:54.825 What's here? 00:55.326 --> 00:56.494 My merch. 00:58.746 --> 01:01.332 You have an 18-wheeler dropping off merch? 01:01.415 --> 01:02.374 Yeah, man. 01:03.209 --> 01:05.544 It's a big day. 01:08.631 --> 01:09.715 Wait, what? 01:09.799 --> 01:13.344 Remember when you said take something from my act, throw my name on it, 01:13.427 --> 01:14.929 make a little extra scratch? 01:15.513 --> 01:16.722 Yeah, I remember that. 01:17.473 --> 01:19.016 I went with weighted blankets. 01:22.019 --> 01:24.855 - Weighted blankets? - Yeah. 01:30.361 --> 01:31.654 'Cause they make you nut. 01:32.613 --> 01:34.198 Wait, are you ser-- 01:34.281 --> 01:36.992 Is this truck really full of weighted blankets? 01:37.535 --> 01:38.494 Yeah. 01:39.328 --> 01:42.581 Kirk... merch for comedy shows 01:42.665 --> 01:45.668 is like T-shirts, hats, beer koozies. 01:45.751 --> 01:47.461 They love my weighted blanket bit. 01:47.545 --> 01:49.171 Honestly, it's not even really a bit. 01:49.255 --> 01:51.924 You just kind of have a couple lines about it. 01:52.508 --> 01:53.968 Wait, how much do they weigh? 01:54.552 --> 01:55.803 Hundred and twenty-five. 01:56.387 --> 01:57.263 Pounds? 01:57.346 --> 01:58.597 Yeah. 01:58.681 --> 02:01.183 I thought weighted blankets weighed, like, 10 or 15 pounds. 02:01.267 --> 02:03.185 I wanted to stand out. 02:03.269 --> 02:05.229 Dude, you wear a hat at every show. 02:05.312 --> 02:09.316 You don't think a Kirk Fox... hat is a good idea? 02:09.400 --> 02:11.485 Yeah, weighted hats. 02:11.569 --> 02:14.363 No, what... what is your deal with weighted stuff? 02:15.698 --> 02:17.950 Kirk, how many of these did you order? 02:18.534 --> 02:19.952 400,000 worth. 02:20.035 --> 02:21.036 What? 02:21.996 --> 02:24.790 Yeah, they lowered the cost 'cause I got a bulk order. 02:24.874 --> 02:26.876 Four hundred grand? 02:26.959 --> 02:28.586 Got an equity line on the house. 02:29.170 --> 02:31.463 - Can I ask you something? - Yeah. 02:31.547 --> 02:33.883 What the fuck is wrong with you? 02:35.467 --> 02:37.219 I've never been clearer. 02:39.305 --> 02:41.682 - Did you tell them? - That they'll nut? 02:41.765 --> 02:44.560 Yes, I did what you said, but no one gets it. 02:44.643 --> 02:48.022 - Everyone's super confused. - You gotta take it off the table! 02:48.105 --> 02:49.523 You gotta demonstrate. 02:49.607 --> 02:51.400 Kirk Fox makes you come. 02:51.483 --> 02:53.611 I tried, but it's too heavy. 02:53.694 --> 02:56.197 I mean, I had both knees replaced last month. 02:56.280 --> 02:59.325 I don't give a shit about your knees, you fucking old bitch. 02:59.408 --> 03:00.409 How's it going, man? 03:01.619 --> 03:03.454 Well, she's not showing them how to use it. 03:03.537 --> 03:06.540 You gotta show them how to use it. I told you that. 03:06.624 --> 03:09.043 It's a blanket. People get it. 03:09.126 --> 03:10.628 It's a weighted blanket. 03:10.711 --> 03:12.463 Right, I forgot that. 03:12.546 --> 03:14.590 If you lay down like this, 03:15.591 --> 03:17.134 it's a weighted blanket. 03:18.177 --> 03:19.261 Give me one. 03:19.845 --> 03:21.055 Do you need a hand? 03:22.056 --> 03:24.516 Oh my God. 03:24.600 --> 03:25.893 Jesus! 03:25.976 --> 03:27.895 Oh my God. Are you okay? 03:27.978 --> 03:30.689 This is what happens when you give me Nancy Reagan's corpse 03:30.773 --> 03:32.107 to sell blankets, man. 03:32.191 --> 03:34.235 - Let me help you up. - You're fine. 03:34.318 --> 03:35.236 She's not fine. 03:35.319 --> 03:37.738 - Quit your whining. - Can we get some help over here? 03:37.821 --> 03:39.615 - Get her to a medic. - Shut up. 03:39.698 --> 03:41.533 This way. 03:41.617 --> 03:44.662 Kirk, this is a shit show, man. 03:45.496 --> 03:47.164 I just need more time. 03:47.248 --> 03:48.916 I don't think time's the issue. 03:48.999 --> 03:50.668 It's your dumb fucking idea. 03:50.751 --> 03:52.419 That's the problem. 03:58.676 --> 03:59.927 Shit. 04:00.761 --> 04:01.762 Tom. 04:05.349 --> 04:06.892 I fucked up, man. 04:06.976 --> 04:08.894 That's what I've been saying, man. 04:09.895 --> 04:12.856 This is a really, really, really, really, really dumb idea. 04:13.524 --> 04:15.442 Oh fuck! 04:16.068 --> 04:17.444 Goddamn it. 04:18.237 --> 04:20.906 Please help me, man. Please help me. 04:22.658 --> 04:24.743 I thought I had it, man. 04:24.827 --> 04:27.496 I thought I had it. I felt it. 04:28.831 --> 04:30.332 iPhones. 04:31.000 --> 04:32.835 Uncrustables. 04:33.335 --> 04:35.087 Nut blankets. 04:35.170 --> 04:36.171 The big three. 04:36.755 --> 04:39.216 Did you just compare these to iPhones? 04:41.218 --> 04:42.553 Fuck! 04:43.137 --> 04:47.933 This is the worst idea anyone has ever come up with. 04:48.017 --> 04:49.601 It's a really bad idea. 04:49.685 --> 04:51.562 My entire life savings went into this. 04:51.645 --> 04:54.273 I'm gonna be homeless. I can't be homeless. 04:54.356 --> 04:55.858 I joke about being homeless. 04:55.941 --> 04:58.527 "Hey, I'm built for it. I'm always in denim." 04:58.610 --> 05:00.154 "I need a shower every night." 05:00.237 --> 05:03.532 - "I just look dirty. I'm clean." - All right, take a deep breath. 05:03.615 --> 05:05.743 Just listen. 05:06.869 --> 05:09.163 - We'll figure it out. - How? How? 05:09.246 --> 05:10.914 I'm fucking toast, bro. 05:10.998 --> 05:12.082 I'll reimburse you 05:12.166 --> 05:15.002 for the 400 fucking thousand dollars you spent. 05:15.085 --> 05:16.587 Five hundred. I lied. 05:19.006 --> 05:21.508 Okay... I'll reimburse you 05:21.592 --> 05:25.637 for the 500 fucking thousand dollars you spent on weighted blankets, 05:25.721 --> 05:28.015 and we'll come up with a payment plan or something, okay? 05:28.098 --> 05:30.726 You're doing a lot of free shows, by the way. 05:31.393 --> 05:33.103 - I love you. - I love you too. 05:33.187 --> 05:36.357 And you are getting rid of these fucking weighted blankets. 05:37.608 --> 05:39.068 However you wanna do it. 05:39.735 --> 05:41.737 - I'll get rid of these. - Yes. 05:41.820 --> 05:43.364 Just figure something out. 05:46.492 --> 05:47.659 How's it going? 05:56.460 --> 05:57.378 Oh, hey. 05:57.461 --> 06:01.006 If there's still feedback, like, anywhere else on stage, I'm fine. 06:01.090 --> 06:03.467 But when you're downstage center-- 06:04.927 --> 06:08.138 You're welcome! 06:08.972 --> 06:10.265 You like that? 06:13.477 --> 06:15.229 Get that one. Get it in there. 06:15.312 --> 06:16.688 I'm trying. 06:17.439 --> 06:19.191 Any nut allergies? 06:20.818 --> 06:22.861 Weighted blankets for all! 06:24.905 --> 06:26.740 Kirk! What the fuck are you doing? 06:26.824 --> 06:29.535 Thank you, Tom. 06:31.203 --> 06:32.704 He's fucking lost it. 06:35.207 --> 06:37.918 Kirk Fox. Tell your friends. 06:42.256 --> 06:44.675 Breaking news out of Hollywood, California now. 06:44.758 --> 06:47.970 A stand-up comedian has been arrested on multiple counts of homicide, 06:48.053 --> 06:49.680 assault, and terrorism. 06:49.763 --> 06:52.307 His name, Tom Segura. 06:52.391 --> 06:55.436 Seven people were brutally murdered and thousands traumatized 06:55.519 --> 06:59.606 when an unnamed man that Segura hired began shooting audience members 06:59.690 --> 07:02.776 with what's being described as a homemade projectile launcher. 07:02.860 --> 07:05.487 Bank statements and emails from Segura to the man 07:05.571 --> 07:08.365 show that Segura entirely funded the terrorist attack, 07:08.449 --> 07:11.201 paying the man $500,000. 07:11.285 --> 07:13.495 Segura is being held with no chance of parole 07:13.579 --> 07:16.790 and will likely be sentenced to death later this month. 07:16.874 --> 07:20.961 This comedian's brutal act is one that no one is laughing at. 07:21.044 --> 07:24.798 Well, turning now to a reunion three years in the making. 07:24.882 --> 07:28.760 A veteran and his military dog separated by thousands of miles 07:28.844 --> 07:31.930 about to see each other for the first time since deployment. 07:32.014 --> 07:33.765 You're gonna wanna grab a tissue for this one. 07:33.849 --> 07:35.767 Cecilia Nichols has the story. 07:36.560 --> 07:40.647 Army specialist Jake Thorton never forgot his partner, 07:40.731 --> 07:44.067 a nine-year-old Belgian Malinois named Bruno. 07:44.151 --> 07:47.070 Well, out there, it's just you and him. 07:47.154 --> 07:50.032 And he had my back every single day. 07:51.325 --> 07:54.244 From the very first moment, I trusted Bruno with Jake's life. 07:54.328 --> 07:57.498 For 18 months, the two spent hundreds of hours together 07:57.581 --> 07:59.082 on patrol in Iraq. 07:59.750 --> 08:01.710 But when Jake's deployment ended, 08:01.793 --> 08:04.838 Bruno still had years of service ahead of him, 08:04.922 --> 08:09.426 meaning Jake had to leave his partner behind with a new handler. 08:09.510 --> 08:13.597 That was, um, one of the hardest goodbyes of my life. 08:13.680 --> 08:15.891 It weighed on him when he came back. 08:15.974 --> 08:17.809 He really missed that dog. 08:18.310 --> 08:21.522 Jake never stopped hoping he would see Bruno again, 08:21.605 --> 08:25.317 waiting for the day his partner would finally retire from service. 08:25.400 --> 08:27.611 I don't know if he'll remember me. 08:28.403 --> 08:30.489 But I remember him. 08:31.532 --> 08:33.659 I remember him every single day. 08:33.742 --> 08:37.204 Well, we have someone here who has been waiting to see you. 08:37.788 --> 08:38.747 Are you ready? 08:38.830 --> 08:40.874 Yes, ma'am. I'm ready. 08:42.084 --> 08:43.460 Here he is! 08:46.421 --> 08:48.423 Hey, buddy. Hey. 08:49.174 --> 08:50.676 Bruno. 08:51.593 --> 08:52.844 I missed you so much. 08:52.928 --> 08:54.930 Hey, buddy. Hey. 08:55.013 --> 08:56.348 Hey, pal. 08:56.431 --> 08:57.391 Come here, Bruno. 09:02.271 --> 09:04.022 Jake, try not to move. 09:04.106 --> 09:05.566 Stop! 09:05.649 --> 09:08.986 Lower your heart rate. Jake! Control your breath! 09:09.069 --> 09:10.988 Jake! He thinks you're Taliban! 09:11.071 --> 09:12.990 Try and stop him! 09:13.657 --> 09:16.493 There's absolutely nothing I can do, ma'am. He outranks me. 09:16.577 --> 09:19.663 - Jake, I love you! - That's beautiful, ma'am. 09:19.746 --> 09:21.999 Not everybody experiences love in this world. 09:22.082 --> 09:24.876 Make it stop! Make it stop! 09:24.960 --> 09:26.295 Your son's here. 09:26.378 --> 09:28.547 Close your eyes, son. You don't want to watch this. 09:28.630 --> 09:30.716 - He's gonna be okay. - Not gonna be okay. 09:31.967 --> 09:34.303 Well, just surrender to it now. 09:36.221 --> 09:38.765 Sorry, son. Your dad's dead. 09:38.849 --> 09:42.728 Lord in heaven, thank you so much for letting Jake serve with us. 09:43.312 --> 09:46.565 Amazing grace 09:46.648 --> 09:50.944 How sweet the sound 09:51.028 --> 09:55.907 That saved a wretch like me 09:55.991 --> 09:58.118 - Holy shit. Oh my God. - Jesus. 09:58.201 --> 09:59.536 Maybe he'll be okay. 09:59.620 --> 10:01.788 I don't think so. 10:02.789 --> 10:05.417 I don't know. Can we put something else on? 10:06.126 --> 10:08.128 - God. - I miss our dog. 10:08.712 --> 10:12.674 Do you think that we could love our baby as much as we love our dog? 10:12.758 --> 10:14.635 - That's a good question. - No way, right? 10:14.718 --> 10:18.096 - You know how cute it is when he-- - All right, you two. We're ready. 10:18.180 --> 10:21.266 So, Christina, Mary here will show you to the room for egg retrieval. 10:21.350 --> 10:23.268 - And, Tom, follow me. - Okay. 10:23.352 --> 10:26.146 - All right, Tom, here's your room. - It's okay, I'm okay. 10:26.229 --> 10:29.650 Hey, I love you. Have fun jerking off into a cup. 10:32.069 --> 10:33.362 Get in there. 10:33.445 --> 10:34.946 So we got everything you need. 10:35.030 --> 10:38.909 Uh, TV, remote, lots of selections, magazines... 10:38.992 --> 10:40.827 So how long does it take most people? 10:40.911 --> 10:44.039 Oh. Just, uh, take your time. But not too much time. 10:44.122 --> 10:47.668 We need the sample within the hour to prepare it for fertilization. 10:47.751 --> 10:48.794 Right. 10:49.294 --> 10:52.506 I'll try to be quick. Is there lube or anything? 10:52.589 --> 10:56.009 Well, lube has compounds that affect sperm mobility. 10:56.093 --> 10:57.928 - So... ...yeah. - Oh, right. 10:59.471 --> 11:00.722 Are you staying? 11:00.806 --> 11:01.973 Oh, no. 11:02.057 --> 11:03.684 I was-- I was kidding. 11:04.184 --> 11:05.936 - Oh. - I was-- I was joking. 11:06.019 --> 11:08.980 Um, just press the button when you're done. 11:09.064 --> 11:10.065 Okay. 11:22.285 --> 11:23.328 Gross. 11:25.080 --> 11:26.790 Nope. No. 11:27.290 --> 11:28.291 No. 11:30.043 --> 11:32.754 So much acne. How am I gonna come to this? 11:42.055 --> 11:44.349 - Excuse me? - Hm? 11:44.433 --> 11:47.894 Um, are there any other, like, options? 11:47.978 --> 11:50.480 Oh, there's gay stuff in there. 11:51.356 --> 11:55.569 No, I meant, uh... I'm, I'm looking for better quality, 11:55.652 --> 11:58.780 production, stories, you know, hotter people. 12:00.115 --> 12:01.366 No. 12:01.950 --> 12:03.785 Okay. Sorry about that. 12:04.786 --> 12:07.456 Oh, fuck me! 12:07.539 --> 12:08.540 Yeah. 12:09.332 --> 12:10.834 Lick his balls. That's good. 12:10.917 --> 12:14.212 - Oh, yeah. - Oh my God. So much hair. 12:14.713 --> 12:17.299 Fuck, I bet it stinks. 12:17.382 --> 12:19.885 Yeah. Stinky little bitch. 12:19.968 --> 12:22.512 Yeah, you didn't go to high school, did you? 12:28.977 --> 12:30.020 Get in there. 12:30.103 --> 12:32.606 Here we go! 12:32.689 --> 12:33.857 Hi, Tommy. 12:33.940 --> 12:36.026 No! Mom! 12:36.651 --> 12:38.153 - Fuck! Mom! - Tommy? 12:38.236 --> 12:41.031 - What are you doing? - Hey! 12:41.114 --> 12:43.366 Oh my gosh, Tommy, what is that? That is disgusting. 12:43.450 --> 12:44.910 I didn't wanna answer the phone. 12:44.993 --> 12:47.037 Are you crazy? There is no chance you're showing-- 12:47.120 --> 12:50.582 I was-- I'm at a fertility clinic. I'm not just having an afternoon jerk. 12:50.665 --> 12:53.502 This is for a reason. I'm hoping to give you a grandson. 12:53.585 --> 12:55.712 - I saw your face, Tommy... - Please hang up. 12:55.796 --> 12:57.881 I saw your face too. Worst moment of my entire life. 12:57.964 --> 12:58.799 Can you hang up now? 12:58.882 --> 13:00.967 Who will do that in the middle of the day? 13:01.051 --> 13:05.055 I keep trying to fucking hit it, but my-- the-- my semen's on the phone. 13:05.138 --> 13:06.473 What? 13:06.556 --> 13:08.809 You've ruined this whole thing, okay? 13:09.559 --> 13:11.603 Yeah, I gotta fucking go. Please hang up now. 13:11.686 --> 13:13.772 - You are not my son! - Fuck, Mom! 13:13.855 --> 13:15.398 - Oh my gosh! - No! 'Cause I-- I didn't... 13:15.482 --> 13:17.067 - You are not my son! - Fuck! 13:17.150 --> 13:18.944 You are not my son! 13:21.279 --> 13:22.489 I'll take it. 13:23.073 --> 13:24.950 Okay? It's okay. 13:25.033 --> 13:26.701 It's okay. Thanks. 13:26.785 --> 13:28.036 Thank you. 13:28.119 --> 13:29.496 Congratulations, Dad. 13:30.080 --> 13:31.373 - Thanks. - Mm-hmm. 13:41.550 --> 13:43.176 - Wait, wait, wait. - Mm. 13:43.885 --> 13:45.554 I'm gonna need that back, actually. 13:45.637 --> 13:46.680 I-I'm sorry? 13:47.347 --> 13:49.808 - It's not a good batch. - Oh, is it contaminated? 13:50.600 --> 13:53.854 Well, yes. I mean, not in the way that you told me it might be, but yes. 13:53.937 --> 13:55.272 Well, how is it contaminated? 13:56.106 --> 13:59.776 Well, when I was doing what I was doing in there, at the critical moment, 13:59.860 --> 14:01.194 my mom called, 14:01.278 --> 14:04.239 and I saw her face as I was making the deposit. 14:05.031 --> 14:07.534 Oh, sir. That's not how biology works. 14:07.617 --> 14:09.327 Yeah, but no, no, no. I know. 14:09.411 --> 14:11.955 But here's the thing. There's bad energy in there, okay? 14:12.038 --> 14:14.040 I don't even wanna meet the person that that becomes. 14:14.124 --> 14:15.584 So I would like it back. 14:15.667 --> 14:17.294 Okay, that's ridiculous. 14:17.377 --> 14:20.297 And we don't have time for this. 14:20.380 --> 14:23.091 It belongs to me, and I would like it back now. 14:23.174 --> 14:24.217 So give it back to me. 14:24.301 --> 14:26.219 Sir, this is a medical sample. 14:26.303 --> 14:27.637 It came from my body. 14:27.721 --> 14:30.765 Well, your wife is ovulating right now, so it is a medical sample. 14:30.849 --> 14:32.767 - You're a semen demon. - What?! 14:32.851 --> 14:34.603 You realize that I came looking at my mother? 14:34.686 --> 14:36.062 Well, she must be a pretty lady. 14:36.146 --> 14:37.480 Gross! I want it back. 14:37.564 --> 14:40.066 - No! No, no! What are you doing? - Yes. 14:40.150 --> 14:42.527 No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no. 14:45.322 --> 14:47.324 - Hey! Wh-- - Sorry. 14:47.407 --> 14:48.325 She stole my cum. 14:48.909 --> 14:51.077 - She stole my cum cup. - Are you crazy, man? 14:53.204 --> 14:55.874 - No! No! - Get back here! 14:55.957 --> 14:57.417 - That's my semen! - Nope! 14:57.500 --> 14:59.085 Help! Security! 14:59.169 --> 15:00.211 My God! 15:00.295 --> 15:02.464 Somebody stop her! Stop her! 15:07.802 --> 15:08.887 Help! 15:24.861 --> 15:26.947 Sir, you can't be in here. 15:27.030 --> 15:30.241 Give me back my cum! 15:41.378 --> 15:43.254 Hey! Come back! Come back here! 15:43.338 --> 15:44.339 Oh shit. 15:47.717 --> 15:49.260 Let go. 15:49.344 --> 15:51.721 - Give me that semen. - No! No! Give it to me! 15:51.805 --> 15:53.306 - Asshole! - Give me that! 15:56.434 --> 15:58.311 Shit. 16:13.326 --> 16:14.744 Uh-uh. 16:24.796 --> 16:25.839 No, no, no! 16:27.674 --> 16:30.093 Fuck. 16:43.148 --> 16:45.483 - Is everything okay? - Oh, uh... 16:45.567 --> 16:47.235 I'm so sorry. 16:47.318 --> 16:49.112 There was a small hiccup, 16:49.195 --> 16:51.239 but we got everything, and we're good to go. 16:54.826 --> 16:56.202 Goddamn it. 16:57.871 --> 16:58.872 Tom? 17:07.756 --> 17:11.718 I win. 17:11.801 --> 17:13.636 Tom, what the fuck? 17:15.430 --> 17:16.431 Ugh. 17:17.182 --> 17:18.475 You don't like this? 17:18.558 --> 17:21.227 Dude. Well, I guess we're dog people now.