1 00:00:06,110 --> 00:00:07,611 Where do you think you're going? 2 00:00:07,695 --> 00:00:10,031 - To my room! Ugh! - I am not done talking to you! 3 00:00:10,114 --> 00:00:12,283 You never even try to understand me! 4 00:00:12,366 --> 00:00:14,827 I'm sorry I don't have the perfect life like you do. 5 00:00:14,910 --> 00:00:17,371 You think my life is perfect? 6 00:00:17,455 --> 00:00:19,915 That just goes to show what you understand. 7 00:00:19,999 --> 00:00:22,585 - You have it so easy, sweetie. - Easy? 8 00:00:22,668 --> 00:00:25,880 - You couldn't last one day living my life. - Are you kidding? 9 00:00:25,963 --> 00:00:27,673 Your life would be a vacation! 10 00:00:38,142 --> 00:00:39,226 Ugh. 11 00:00:40,186 --> 00:00:43,397 You couldn't last one day living my life. 12 00:00:43,481 --> 00:00:45,775 You never even try to understand me! 13 00:00:46,817 --> 00:00:49,987 You think my life is perfect? That just goes to show... 14 00:00:50,071 --> 00:00:52,323 Your life would be a vacation! 15 00:00:55,826 --> 00:00:58,913 - I'm so old! - How did this happen? 16 00:00:58,996 --> 00:01:02,583 - Oh my God, there's so much skin. - I cannot believe that this is real! 17 00:01:02,666 --> 00:01:04,376 So let me get this straight. 18 00:01:04,460 --> 00:01:07,755 You guys had a fight about how you don't understand each other. 19 00:01:07,838 --> 00:01:10,257 And then you went to sleep, and now... 20 00:01:10,341 --> 00:01:12,676 I'm her, and she's me! 21 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:15,054 Wait! Ow. 22 00:01:15,137 --> 00:01:16,388 Why does my wrist hurt? 23 00:01:16,472 --> 00:01:19,391 - That's my arthritis! Honey, I'm sorry! - Right? 24 00:01:19,475 --> 00:01:21,018 You can feel her arthritis? 25 00:01:21,102 --> 00:01:23,270 - Yes. - That's remarkable. 26 00:01:23,354 --> 00:01:25,606 Oh my goodness. I mean... 27 00:01:26,148 --> 00:01:30,653 You're allergic to shellfish. Does that mean you can have lobster now? 28 00:01:31,278 --> 00:01:32,738 I don't know. 29 00:01:32,822 --> 00:01:38,077 And will you dream about... her experiences? 30 00:01:39,411 --> 00:01:42,957 And if I, you know... with you, 31 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:44,917 would that be with her? 32 00:01:46,252 --> 00:01:48,754 - What are you talking about, Bill? - Baby, I'm a systems analyst. 33 00:01:48,838 --> 00:01:51,549 I'm just thinking about-- You know what? Forget I said anything. 34 00:01:51,632 --> 00:01:52,967 Okay. 35 00:01:53,050 --> 00:01:54,635 We have to fix this, Mom! 36 00:01:54,718 --> 00:01:57,513 My final audition for Juilliard is tonight. 37 00:01:57,596 --> 00:02:00,432 If I don't go, I'll never play violin professionally. 38 00:02:00,516 --> 00:02:03,102 - Oh my God. - Okay, but seriously. 39 00:02:03,185 --> 00:02:06,480 How would this work if we were really trying to figure it out? 40 00:02:06,564 --> 00:02:09,108 If you are her and you are her, 41 00:02:09,191 --> 00:02:12,069 then hypothetically, 42 00:02:12,153 --> 00:02:15,990 who would I choose if I had to? 43 00:02:16,073 --> 00:02:18,784 If it was like a life-or-death scenario? 44 00:02:19,368 --> 00:02:23,998 'Cause I'm trying to figure out who it would make more sense to... 45 00:02:24,081 --> 00:02:24,957 You know? 46 00:02:26,625 --> 00:02:28,502 - To have sex with? - What?! 47 00:02:28,586 --> 00:02:31,463 Hey, jeez, don't say that in front of Kelly... or Nancy. 48 00:02:31,547 --> 00:02:34,717 You see what I--? This is so confusing. Just forget I said anything. 49 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:37,845 - Keep doing what you were doing. - Okay, we'll try. Back to what matters. 50 00:02:37,928 --> 00:02:39,263 But, but, but... 51 00:02:39,346 --> 00:02:42,099 - I don't think I should have sex with you. - Jesus. 52 00:02:42,183 --> 00:02:44,852 Because while you are my wife's body, 53 00:02:44,935 --> 00:02:48,314 my daughter is inside, and no, thank you. 54 00:02:48,397 --> 00:02:50,691 - Ew, ew, ew! - What the hell, Bill? 55 00:02:50,774 --> 00:02:51,609 What? 56 00:02:51,692 --> 00:02:55,946 I thought we were all trying to figure out the rules of this magical event. Am I...? 57 00:02:56,030 --> 00:02:58,157 All right, let's just move on. My bad. 58 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:01,785 Okay, honey, honey, honey, will you at least try to teach me? 59 00:03:02,661 --> 00:03:05,623 Teach you how to play Tchaikovsky in a day? Are you crazy? 60 00:03:05,706 --> 00:03:08,083 I'm not trying to fuck my daughter. For the record. 61 00:03:09,001 --> 00:03:11,754 What? Is that not a good thing? 62 00:03:11,837 --> 00:03:14,506 That I want to not fuck my daughter? 63 00:03:14,590 --> 00:03:15,716 That's great, Bill. 64 00:03:15,799 --> 00:03:18,719 Great, wish granted. Are you ready to move on? 65 00:03:18,802 --> 00:03:22,056 Yes. You can see why it's confusing, right? 66 00:03:22,139 --> 00:03:25,851 But honestly, we'll just-- We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. 67 00:03:26,518 --> 00:03:29,438 Why would we ever get to that bridge, Dad? 68 00:03:29,521 --> 00:03:31,982 We won't. We absolutely won't. 69 00:03:32,066 --> 00:03:34,944 Assuming everything goes back to the way it was. 70 00:03:35,027 --> 00:03:36,487 But when will that be? 71 00:03:36,570 --> 00:03:39,198 It could be days, it could be months, it could be years. 72 00:03:39,281 --> 00:03:42,952 - It's been three minutes, Dad! - I'm trying to stay ahead of it. 73 00:03:43,035 --> 00:03:46,080 Okay, will you just stop talking about fucking us?! 74 00:03:46,163 --> 00:03:48,374 Honey, she's not new to sex. 75 00:03:48,457 --> 00:03:51,502 She's been seeing that Jeff Hinkle kid for a while now, 76 00:03:51,585 --> 00:03:53,462 and I found a used condom in the trash. 77 00:03:53,545 --> 00:03:55,756 - Oh my God, Dad! Don't go through my shit! - Wait... 78 00:03:55,839 --> 00:03:57,299 Okay, I'm sorry. 79 00:03:57,383 --> 00:04:00,844 - God. Okay... - Wait, what about my presentation? I... 80 00:04:00,928 --> 00:04:03,472 I mean, I love you, but there is zero chance 81 00:04:03,555 --> 00:04:06,058 you're gonna be able to explain to the national grocery chain 82 00:04:06,141 --> 00:04:09,061 the financial upside of putting Smucker's jelly on their end caps. 83 00:04:09,144 --> 00:04:11,772 - What? - I'm gonna get fired. 84 00:04:11,855 --> 00:04:14,400 - Blowjobs are off the table. - What the fuck?! 85 00:04:14,483 --> 00:04:16,986 Off the table. Don't you agree? 86 00:04:17,069 --> 00:04:19,947 I can't look down and see my wiener in my daughter's mouth. 87 00:04:20,030 --> 00:04:22,866 - Oh, make it stop! Oh my God! - I'm trying. 88 00:04:22,950 --> 00:04:24,451 Jeez Louise! 89 00:04:24,535 --> 00:04:28,247 I'm trying to tell you, no blowjobs. I'm not doing it. 90 00:04:28,330 --> 00:04:30,958 At least not now. 91 00:04:31,041 --> 00:04:33,585 Maybe after some time, 92 00:04:33,669 --> 00:04:36,213 we'll all feel differently, and we can reconvene then. 93 00:04:36,297 --> 00:04:38,215 God! Can you just get the fuck out of here, Dad? 94 00:04:38,299 --> 00:04:40,175 Okay, I can take a hint. 95 00:04:40,259 --> 00:04:42,469 I'm gonna go upstairs, see if the cat's fed. 96 00:04:42,553 --> 00:04:44,471 You ladies, do your thing. 97 00:04:45,389 --> 00:04:47,433 Okay. Wait! 98 00:04:47,516 --> 00:04:49,351 - I know what we can do! - You do? 99 00:04:49,435 --> 00:04:52,396 I'm gonna go to the presentation. But I'll just put my hair down like this, 100 00:04:52,479 --> 00:04:55,899 and I'll hide an AirPod in my ear, and you just tell me what to say. 101 00:04:55,983 --> 00:04:58,068 That... that's actually great. 102 00:04:58,152 --> 00:04:59,486 - Yeah. - Yes! Oh! 103 00:04:59,570 --> 00:05:02,573 Wow. When did my daughter become so brilliant? 104 00:05:03,157 --> 00:05:04,908 Maybe you just had to look a little harder. 105 00:05:05,576 --> 00:05:08,287 Threesome in the dark! I figured it out. 106 00:05:08,370 --> 00:05:10,748 I do my best thinking on the stairs. 107 00:05:10,831 --> 00:05:13,125 Think about it. Threesome in the dark, right? 108 00:05:13,208 --> 00:05:17,004 I won't know whose mouth or hands are touching what or doing what. 109 00:05:17,087 --> 00:05:19,381 You stay quiet. It's perfect. 110 00:05:19,465 --> 00:05:21,008 Threesome in the dark. 111 00:05:23,552 --> 00:05:26,513 Hm? All right, we'll talk about it later. Just process it. 112 00:05:28,724 --> 00:05:31,268 - Mom. Seriously? - Mm. Mm-hmm. 113 00:05:31,352 --> 00:05:35,147 I cannot believe how you put up with that fucking disgusting pig. 114 00:05:35,230 --> 00:05:39,360 How do you even get through each day, let alone prepare for a presentation? 115 00:05:39,443 --> 00:05:44,448 Me? I mean, I can't believe you've turned out relatively normal 116 00:05:44,531 --> 00:05:46,492 with that lunatic as your father. 117 00:05:46,575 --> 00:05:50,704 I mean, any other girl would be in a ditch with 20 needles sticking out of her arms. 118 00:05:51,413 --> 00:05:54,083 Guess I never really understood how hard it was to be you. 119 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,835 I think that makes two of us. 120 00:05:59,922 --> 00:06:01,840 What... what... what...? 121 00:06:05,135 --> 00:06:05,969 I'm me! 122 00:06:06,053 --> 00:06:07,221 Mom, Mom, I'm me! 123 00:06:07,304 --> 00:06:10,808 - Oh, we're back, thank God. - I can still do my audition. 124 00:06:10,891 --> 00:06:13,060 And I can get ready for my presentation! 125 00:06:13,685 --> 00:06:15,479 - I love you. - I love you. 126 00:06:15,562 --> 00:06:17,439 - Good luck! Thank you. - Good luck, Mama! 127 00:06:21,860 --> 00:06:23,195 What's happening? 128 00:06:24,446 --> 00:06:27,408 Why am I in this old man's body? 129 00:06:28,450 --> 00:06:29,451 Hey, bae. 130 00:06:29,535 --> 00:06:32,329 It's me, your boyfriend. Jeff Hinkle. 131 00:06:33,122 --> 00:06:34,123 Ew! 132 00:06:43,424 --> 00:06:45,968 Good morning, everybody! 133 00:06:46,051 --> 00:06:49,304 The Lord has blessed us with another beautiful day 134 00:06:49,388 --> 00:06:53,684 for y'all to give thanks to me, Master Murphy, 135 00:06:53,767 --> 00:06:57,020 for giving you the opportunity to actually do some work 136 00:06:57,104 --> 00:06:59,440 and do something productive with your life 137 00:06:59,523 --> 00:07:03,235 instead of acting like every day is a vacation, 138 00:07:03,318 --> 00:07:07,656 so you can rid yourself of the devil's grip on your loins 139 00:07:07,739 --> 00:07:12,578 and actually do some digging and hauling and work for me. 140 00:07:12,661 --> 00:07:15,747 In Jesus' name, amen. 141 00:07:15,831 --> 00:07:17,207 That's a good prayer. 142 00:07:18,208 --> 00:07:19,835 Get your ass back to work now. 143 00:07:21,003 --> 00:07:24,131 You know what? I might need to get me my money back. 144 00:07:24,214 --> 00:07:27,634 Ain't nothing worse than a slave who can't churn butter. 145 00:07:28,385 --> 00:07:31,263 Me and my family have been eating dry toast for a month. 146 00:07:31,346 --> 00:07:33,265 That's nothin'. 147 00:07:33,348 --> 00:07:35,225 My house been chilly for weeks 148 00:07:35,309 --> 00:07:39,646 'cause none of my negroes can chop wood to save their goddamn lives. 149 00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:43,275 - Mm. - Yeah, well, that ain't shit. 150 00:07:44,443 --> 00:07:46,028 No matter what I do, 151 00:07:46,111 --> 00:07:48,155 no matter what I try, 152 00:07:48,238 --> 00:07:51,950 mine just keep rearranging my furniture. 153 00:07:53,118 --> 00:07:56,413 Started with a chair, then my chifforobe. 154 00:07:56,497 --> 00:07:57,956 That was there. 155 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,667 Next, it's the whole goddamn parlor. 156 00:08:00,751 --> 00:08:01,585 Hm. 157 00:08:01,668 --> 00:08:04,630 Saying the color palette clashes with the drapes. 158 00:08:04,713 --> 00:08:06,590 How fucking dare he? 159 00:08:09,551 --> 00:08:11,261 Yeah, uh... 160 00:08:11,887 --> 00:08:14,890 Oh. I almost forgot. 161 00:08:14,973 --> 00:08:17,434 Well, the other morning, I walked into my kitchen. 162 00:08:17,518 --> 00:08:19,353 One of my little jibbity bugs 163 00:08:19,436 --> 00:08:23,774 had the audacity to be singing one of his little songs in my house. 164 00:08:23,857 --> 00:08:27,569 - One of his spirituals, "Amazing..." - "Amazing Grace." 165 00:08:27,653 --> 00:08:30,072 - That's the one. - Amazing bullshit! 166 00:08:30,155 --> 00:08:32,824 Mm-hmm. That and the daddy song. 167 00:08:35,702 --> 00:08:37,162 The daddy song? 168 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,665 The daddy song. 169 00:08:40,582 --> 00:08:42,167 Mm, no. 170 00:08:42,251 --> 00:08:44,378 You know, the goddamn daddy song? 171 00:08:45,254 --> 00:08:49,883 Where they take you out there by the water with the picnic, and they spin around, 172 00:08:49,967 --> 00:08:52,094 and they start doing the, you know... 173 00:08:53,136 --> 00:08:57,099 You are my daddy, I love my daddy 174 00:08:57,182 --> 00:09:01,228 It's all for you 'Cause you're my daddy 175 00:09:01,311 --> 00:09:05,732 I love all you, 'cause you're my daddy 176 00:09:05,816 --> 00:09:10,821 It's all for you 'Cause you're my baby 177 00:09:11,780 --> 00:09:15,534 You are my baby, I love my daddy 178 00:09:15,617 --> 00:09:18,537 I mean, goddamn. How much do you love your daddy 179 00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:20,789 to make a whole goddamn song about him like that? 180 00:09:20,872 --> 00:09:23,125 I guess it's kinda nice, but all day long? 181 00:09:23,208 --> 00:09:25,127 I don't have time for this shit. 182 00:09:25,752 --> 00:09:27,296 I mean, I enjoy his company, 183 00:09:27,379 --> 00:09:29,798 but it's too much of a commitment, you know? 184 00:09:32,217 --> 00:09:35,762 - Okay. - Yeah, um... 185 00:09:35,846 --> 00:09:38,974 Oh! Y'all not gonna believe this. 186 00:09:39,057 --> 00:09:43,437 One of them coal crawlers had the gall to talk back to me. 187 00:09:44,021 --> 00:09:47,733 Boy, I cracked that whip so hard, they heard it all the way down in Biloxi. 188 00:09:47,816 --> 00:09:50,152 Ooh, I know all about that. 189 00:09:51,236 --> 00:09:54,990 I whipped one of mine so hard, the boy started moaning. 190 00:09:57,659 --> 00:09:59,578 Oh yeah. 191 00:10:00,579 --> 00:10:01,913 Moaning? 192 00:10:01,997 --> 00:10:03,457 Mm-hmm. Yeah. 193 00:10:03,540 --> 00:10:05,709 Moaning like how? 194 00:10:06,335 --> 00:10:07,502 Sort of like... 195 00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:16,553 "Oh yeah." 196 00:10:16,637 --> 00:10:21,475 "Oh, I'm close, daddy. Can you give me one more?" 197 00:10:21,558 --> 00:10:23,268 "Ooh." 198 00:10:23,352 --> 00:10:27,064 "Yeah, I like that." 199 00:10:27,147 --> 00:10:30,901 "I've been bad for you today." 200 00:10:38,659 --> 00:10:40,410 "Please, please." 201 00:10:40,994 --> 00:10:44,456 "One more. One more so I can release..." 202 00:10:46,458 --> 00:10:47,584 You know? 203 00:10:47,668 --> 00:10:49,086 Like that. 204 00:10:50,671 --> 00:10:54,716 I whipped him so hard, the boy's nut hit the floor. 205 00:10:55,467 --> 00:10:58,011 His seed hit the floor. 206 00:10:58,929 --> 00:11:01,932 - He came on the floor. - No, no, no, we heard you, Murphy. 207 00:11:02,015 --> 00:11:05,686 All your boys be doin' this? 208 00:11:06,478 --> 00:11:08,647 No, just one of 'em. 209 00:11:10,524 --> 00:11:14,111 Hey, uh, you ever think that maybe... 210 00:11:15,404 --> 00:11:16,571 Nah, never mind. 211 00:11:17,823 --> 00:11:18,740 What? 212 00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:20,951 Murphy, uh, 213 00:11:21,493 --> 00:11:25,580 I think your boy might be... a little sweet. 214 00:11:26,540 --> 00:11:27,541 Sweet? 215 00:11:28,709 --> 00:11:29,668 Like, how? 216 00:11:31,586 --> 00:11:33,296 I ain't no doctor, 217 00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:39,720 but I have heard that sometimes men can prefer the company of other men. 218 00:11:41,763 --> 00:11:43,348 I prefer the company of other men. 219 00:11:43,432 --> 00:11:44,975 No one hates women as much as me. 220 00:11:45,058 --> 00:11:48,061 No. No, I don't think that's what he means, Murphy. 221 00:11:48,145 --> 00:11:53,650 I'm saying, I think your boy may favor menfolk for his fornications. 222 00:11:53,734 --> 00:11:55,444 You got yourself a fella-fucker. 223 00:11:56,820 --> 00:11:59,906 Murphy, think long and hard. 224 00:12:00,657 --> 00:12:03,410 Have you noticed anything else funny? 225 00:12:05,537 --> 00:12:07,706 No, I don't think so. 226 00:12:07,789 --> 00:12:09,916 Mm! So warm. 227 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,043 Your hands are so soft for a man. 228 00:12:12,961 --> 00:12:14,755 Scrub my hole now. 229 00:12:14,838 --> 00:12:17,841 - Any funny business with your daughter? - My daughter? 230 00:12:17,924 --> 00:12:22,053 And if she ever show her face, you best know I'm gonna say something. 231 00:12:22,137 --> 00:12:24,931 Ooh, girl, stop! You crazy. 232 00:12:26,516 --> 00:12:28,977 - Just a little bit. - She look like a pretty horse. 233 00:12:29,060 --> 00:12:29,936 Hi, Daddy! 234 00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:32,439 No, but she kind of fat anyway. 235 00:12:32,522 --> 00:12:37,569 I don't think negroes enjoy the company of heavyset white women, right? 236 00:12:37,652 --> 00:12:40,363 My goodness. This is lovely. 237 00:12:40,447 --> 00:12:41,281 You made this? 238 00:12:41,364 --> 00:12:44,034 - I made it for you. - I feel like prancing. 239 00:12:44,117 --> 00:12:45,494 I'm not sure on the marble. 240 00:12:45,577 --> 00:12:48,747 It's between the Calacatta and the Danby for me. 241 00:12:49,331 --> 00:12:52,042 I prefer the Danby. It's local, from Vermont. 242 00:12:52,125 --> 00:12:53,293 I love that. 243 00:12:53,376 --> 00:12:55,837 What the hell is an open floor plan? 244 00:12:55,921 --> 00:12:58,715 - I know you sure as hell don't know. - What?! 245 00:12:59,299 --> 00:13:01,510 - Relax. - Okay. 246 00:13:01,593 --> 00:13:04,971 You, for one, do not tell me when to relax. 247 00:13:05,055 --> 00:13:07,140 I relax when I want to relax. 248 00:13:08,391 --> 00:13:09,351 I'm going to relax. 249 00:13:09,434 --> 00:13:12,395 I mean, I think it's pretty cut and dry, Murphy. 250 00:13:12,479 --> 00:13:16,691 The boy ejaculated when you whipped him. 251 00:13:16,775 --> 00:13:19,569 I think Murphy's got himself a boyfriend! 252 00:13:21,071 --> 00:13:24,241 - No, I-- No, I don't. - His moon donkey's a sugarfoot! 253 00:13:24,324 --> 00:13:26,701 That's not true. 254 00:13:26,785 --> 00:13:29,579 Y'all are sitting around reading poetry to each other by candlelight. 255 00:13:30,539 --> 00:13:32,582 - I like poetry. - I bet you do! 256 00:13:32,666 --> 00:13:36,753 Y'all reading the same books, then talking about what's in the books? 257 00:13:37,921 --> 00:13:40,382 He's in a domestic partnership! 258 00:13:40,966 --> 00:13:45,303 Murphy, you are a dumb motherfucker! 259 00:13:45,387 --> 00:13:46,513 Here are your papers. 260 00:13:46,596 --> 00:13:50,517 Now take your shit and get your fella-fuckin' ass up north. 261 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,353 - I don't want no part of this business. - Baby. 262 00:13:53,436 --> 00:13:57,858 I don't want to be free if it means I can't be with you no more. 263 00:13:57,941 --> 00:13:59,317 - Please, baby-- - No. 264 00:13:59,401 --> 00:14:00,652 No! Gross! 265 00:14:01,403 --> 00:14:04,739 Everybody made fun of me, and they laughed. 266 00:14:04,823 --> 00:14:07,868 And they called me "the darkie diddler." I thought we were friends. 267 00:14:07,951 --> 00:14:10,453 Jerry and Thomas, they think I'm sweet. 268 00:14:10,537 --> 00:14:14,499 I ain't sweet. I hate everybody. And you was the only friend I ever had. 269 00:14:14,583 --> 00:14:18,003 And now I hate you too. You think I like that? I don't. 270 00:14:18,086 --> 00:14:19,629 And I ain't no diddler. 271 00:14:19,713 --> 00:14:23,550 So take your ass, and go up north where they diddle all day. Go! Shoo! 272 00:14:24,259 --> 00:14:26,136 Get out of here! Get! 273 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,639 Go diddle up north, you hear? Yankees love that shit. 274 00:14:32,225 --> 00:14:33,184 Go! 275 00:14:33,268 --> 00:14:36,605 A man and another man? To use that hole... 276 00:14:43,612 --> 00:14:45,447 What a dumb motherfucker. 277 00:14:46,615 --> 00:14:49,367 I can't believe that shit worked. 278 00:14:49,451 --> 00:14:52,245 Virgil a goddamn genius. 279 00:14:52,829 --> 00:14:54,289 - Come on, baby. - Okay. 280 00:14:54,372 --> 00:14:56,374 I'mma take your big ass up north with me. 281 00:14:56,458 --> 00:14:59,669 Anything you say, chocolate daddy. 282 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,301 Hey, Master Murphy. 283 00:15:06,384 --> 00:15:08,178 Oh really? You think this is funny, huh? 284 00:15:08,261 --> 00:15:09,971 How about you bend over, 285 00:15:10,055 --> 00:15:14,976 and you stick your pole into his dirt hole and let's see what happens. 286 00:15:16,811 --> 00:15:18,980 That's what I fuckin' thought. Get your ass back to work. 287 00:15:19,856 --> 00:15:22,233 - Come on. What is that? - Hey, man. You ain't commit, bro. 288 00:15:22,317 --> 00:15:23,777 We said we were gonna kiss. 289 00:15:31,201 --> 00:15:33,328 It's always the same shit, you know? 290 00:15:33,411 --> 00:15:37,666 Like, it's people who are just deciding that they're upset for whatever reason. 291 00:15:37,749 --> 00:15:38,667 I have no idea. 292 00:15:38,750 --> 00:15:41,711 And I don't think I've done anything to elicit that response. 293 00:15:41,795 --> 00:15:44,756 I'm just the one who happens to be caught in the moment 294 00:15:44,839 --> 00:15:47,592 when somebody is there trying to explode 295 00:15:47,676 --> 00:15:50,512 or vent their own frustrations about their own lives on me. 296 00:15:50,595 --> 00:15:52,138 I think it's bullshit, you know? 297 00:15:52,222 --> 00:15:53,723 Okay. I hear you. 298 00:15:54,766 --> 00:15:58,269 Can you pinpoint a recent moment where you lost control? 299 00:15:58,353 --> 00:16:00,438 I didn't lose control. 300 00:16:00,522 --> 00:16:01,773 I was provoked. 301 00:16:01,856 --> 00:16:04,526 You said this incident has been sitting with you. 302 00:16:04,609 --> 00:16:06,903 'Cause it's the same thing every day. 303 00:16:06,987 --> 00:16:10,448 Different face. Same entitled rich guy. 304 00:16:11,574 --> 00:16:13,535 Why don't you take me through what happened? 305 00:16:14,869 --> 00:16:15,996 Gladly. 306 00:16:16,079 --> 00:16:16,997 Sure. 307 00:16:21,418 --> 00:16:22,335 Hi, how's it going? 308 00:16:22,419 --> 00:16:24,212 Hello, you poor old bitch. 309 00:16:24,295 --> 00:16:27,590 No, that bag is not going on my plane. 310 00:16:27,674 --> 00:16:28,842 Oh, I'm sorry, sir, 311 00:16:28,925 --> 00:16:31,386 and I apologize in advance for the inconvenience, 312 00:16:31,469 --> 00:16:33,638 but we are gonna have to check your carry-on. 313 00:16:33,722 --> 00:16:34,597 ...motherfucker... 314 00:16:34,681 --> 00:16:37,809 She zeroed in on me like she'd been waiting all day for this motherfucker. 315 00:16:37,892 --> 00:16:40,562 He didn't hear a word I said after "no." 316 00:16:40,645 --> 00:16:42,230 I'm sorry. I don't understand. 317 00:16:42,313 --> 00:16:44,983 I've carried this luggage onto planes dozens of times. 318 00:16:45,066 --> 00:16:46,901 This is preposterous! 319 00:16:46,985 --> 00:16:49,863 How dare you be so ignorant and rude! 320 00:16:49,946 --> 00:16:54,701 Get your fat fucking bald white ass out of my fucking face, 321 00:16:54,784 --> 00:16:56,202 you fucking fat bitch boy! 322 00:16:56,286 --> 00:16:59,789 Again, I'm so sorry, sir, but due to weight and balance limits, 323 00:16:59,873 --> 00:17:03,293 we need to check your bag so the plane can take off safely. 324 00:17:03,376 --> 00:17:05,587 Is your Chinese ass really going to do this right now? 325 00:17:05,670 --> 00:17:07,297 Ma'am, I don't understand. 326 00:17:07,380 --> 00:17:10,091 Is your Chinese ass really gonna do this right now? 327 00:17:10,175 --> 00:17:13,219 I'm sorry, sir, it's... it's really not up to me. 328 00:17:13,303 --> 00:17:14,679 Also, I'm Korean. 329 00:17:14,763 --> 00:17:18,850 I'm Korean, motherfucker! Korean! You ever hear of it? 330 00:17:18,933 --> 00:17:22,729 Now, unless you got a smaller bag inside that big-ass bag, 331 00:17:22,812 --> 00:17:24,731 I don't know what the fuck we are talking about! 332 00:17:24,814 --> 00:17:27,567 Do you? You have a smaller bag in that giant-ass bag? 333 00:17:27,650 --> 00:17:28,777 Let's check it out! 334 00:17:28,860 --> 00:17:30,570 Move over, bitch tits. Let's check it out. 335 00:17:30,653 --> 00:17:36,284 Let's check out if there is actually a smaller bag inside this big-ass bag! 336 00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:38,787 I don't think there's gonna be-- Oh no...! 337 00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:41,831 My name is Tom Segura. I'm at the airport. 338 00:17:41,915 --> 00:17:43,666 No, I do see this! 339 00:17:43,750 --> 00:17:47,587 And this vicious woman is violating my personal space. 340 00:17:47,670 --> 00:17:50,423 Smell like asshole to me! 341 00:17:50,507 --> 00:17:52,092 I'm gonna put this on Twitter. 342 00:17:52,175 --> 00:17:57,055 And if you take one more step, you will lose your job! 343 00:17:57,138 --> 00:17:59,265 Sir, please. 344 00:17:59,349 --> 00:18:01,935 It's for the safety of the other passengers. 345 00:18:02,018 --> 00:18:03,394 - Thief! - Okay, you know what? 346 00:18:03,478 --> 00:18:05,647 - You see a smaller bag in here? - Rape! 347 00:18:05,730 --> 00:18:08,108 - No, ma'am. - You see one? Do you, bitch boy? 348 00:18:08,191 --> 00:18:09,192 I don't. 349 00:18:09,275 --> 00:18:11,861 - I didn't think so, bitch-tit boy! - I feel violated! 350 00:18:11,945 --> 00:18:13,822 Fuck you, you little evil shit. 351 00:18:15,198 --> 00:18:18,034 I see. So, if you... 352 00:18:18,118 --> 00:18:20,245 - Oh, no. He wasn't done. - Oh, no. She wasn't done. 353 00:18:20,328 --> 00:18:21,663 Kept crowing at me like a bird. 354 00:18:21,746 --> 00:18:22,831 This piece of shit... 355 00:18:22,914 --> 00:18:25,041 Like a shitty bird with a shitty voice, you know? 356 00:18:25,125 --> 00:18:26,126 ...was just getting started. 357 00:18:26,209 --> 00:18:27,043 The ones you shoot. 358 00:18:27,127 --> 00:18:29,045 Oh. Mm... 359 00:18:29,129 --> 00:18:32,715 Ma'am, I need you to speak English. 360 00:18:32,799 --> 00:18:34,884 Because if I'm being transparent right now, 361 00:18:34,968 --> 00:18:38,847 nothing you are saying is making any sense to me. 362 00:18:42,350 --> 00:18:43,601 Of course, sir. 363 00:18:43,685 --> 00:18:45,186 I can slow it down. 364 00:18:45,270 --> 00:18:48,231 Stop crying, you bitch boy! 365 00:18:48,314 --> 00:18:51,067 - Is that in your dialect? - Is that slow enough for you? 366 00:18:51,151 --> 00:18:53,987 - I'm guessing it's a South Pacific one. - Oh! Oh, you crying?! 367 00:18:54,070 --> 00:18:55,530 - That's nice. - Oh, you crying! 368 00:18:55,613 --> 00:18:59,325 Oh, this is so sad for you! Oh, everybody check it out! 369 00:18:59,409 --> 00:19:02,120 She doesn't know I'm rich. 370 00:19:02,203 --> 00:19:04,998 Oh, you crying, bitch boy? 371 00:19:05,081 --> 00:19:06,457 Oh, I need my mommy! 372 00:19:06,541 --> 00:19:08,126 - I need to suck on my mommy... - Nice touch. 373 00:19:08,209 --> 00:19:10,503 I'm in boat shoes, you Philistine. 374 00:19:10,587 --> 00:19:11,754 I'm not crying. 375 00:19:11,838 --> 00:19:15,592 This is the funniest thing to happen to me since my second abortion! 376 00:19:15,675 --> 00:19:17,719 And how did that make you feel? 377 00:19:18,595 --> 00:19:19,470 Bad. 378 00:19:19,554 --> 00:19:21,556 And what did you want in that moment? 379 00:19:22,390 --> 00:19:24,809 To not be treated like a problem for... 380 00:19:24,893 --> 00:19:26,811 - Following the rules. - Doing my job. 381 00:19:26,895 --> 00:19:29,022 Okay, I get that. 382 00:19:29,105 --> 00:19:31,024 So, after talking this all out, 383 00:19:31,107 --> 00:19:33,526 how do you think the other person may have felt? 384 00:19:41,534 --> 00:19:43,828 You think you're better than me?! 385 00:19:43,912 --> 00:19:46,664 I'm the white devil! 386 00:19:47,665 --> 00:19:51,044 Remember during COVID when everyone was shitting all over Asian people? 387 00:19:51,127 --> 00:19:54,505 Blaming it on you guys? That wasn't me. I didn't do that. I went to a march. 388 00:19:54,589 --> 00:19:57,258 And I... And I posted. I posted a yellow square. 389 00:19:57,342 --> 00:19:59,093 I know, sir. 390 00:19:59,177 --> 00:20:00,803 Thank you for flying Delta. 391 00:20:00,887 --> 00:20:03,556 Okay. That's our time. 392 00:20:04,140 --> 00:20:06,434 So, how are you feeling right now as we end? 393 00:20:07,894 --> 00:20:08,895 Whatever. 394 00:20:09,771 --> 00:20:12,482 - Fine. - I wish these sessions were longer. 395 00:20:13,650 --> 00:20:15,860 Can't believe this shit's $400 an hour. 396 00:20:18,529 --> 00:20:21,282 What a fucking baby. 397 00:20:21,366 --> 00:20:22,951 What a little bitch. 398 00:20:24,202 --> 00:20:25,036 Next! 399 00:20:26,621 --> 00:20:27,580 - Hi. - Hi. 400 00:20:27,664 --> 00:20:30,124 I was wondering, are they serving a meal on this flight? 401 00:20:30,208 --> 00:20:32,126 Yes, for first-class passengers. 402 00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:33,962 - Great, thanks. - Yeah. 403 00:20:34,045 --> 00:20:36,172 Oh, um, I'm sorry, sir. 404 00:20:36,256 --> 00:20:38,675 We're gonna need to check your bag. 405 00:20:38,758 --> 00:20:40,718 - Really? - Yeah. 406 00:20:41,636 --> 00:20:44,013 Are you sure? I always travel with this. 407 00:20:44,097 --> 00:20:46,891 - Leave it there. I'll take care of it. - Okay. 408 00:20:46,975 --> 00:20:48,226 Thanks. 409 00:20:48,309 --> 00:20:49,269 Thanks. 410 00:20:54,023 --> 00:20:56,985 This is for you 411 00:20:57,068 --> 00:20:59,988 I love my daddy 412 00:21:00,071 --> 00:21:05,994 It's all for you 'Cause you're my daddy 413 00:21:06,077 --> 00:21:09,330 This is for you 414 00:21:09,414 --> 00:21:12,417 I love my daddy 415 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:18,715 It's all for you 'Cause you're my daddy 416 00:21:30,810 --> 00:21:33,938 This is for you 417 00:21:34,022 --> 00:21:37,442 'Cause you're my daddy 418 00:21:40,153 --> 00:21:40,987 Do you like it?